Have you ever felt like you’re an excellent communicator in some situations and complete garbage in others? I started to wonder how I could feel extremely adept at communicating in some of my relationships but then feel utterly inept in others.  How come all the work I’ve done on setting boundaries, communicating expectations and sharing my wants and needs doesn’t work across the board?  This is definitely one of those moments where I get introspective and just think to myself:

I want to share some of my processing on this question. As per usual, I hope it will help get the wheels turning for you on this topic.

It’s easy to forget sometimes but I have to remind myself: Communication is bi-directional.  You’re giving and receiving continuous feedback in both directions at all times.  You produce sounds (or text) that turn into language that enter someone else’s thoughts then someone processes their thoughts on how they receive that language and they produce sounds that turn into language that turn into thoughts that now have to be processed with the layer of the previous exchange of sounds, language and thoughts.  

I hope you get the gist:  When you really start to think about the actual operation of communication in its entirety, there’s A LOT of data points going back and forth when communicating.  

Let’s think about it in terms of sound frequencies (vibrations) that travel through the air.  

Sometimes those communication frequencies between two people are very in-sync and line up in a harmonious way that is pleasant to experience (e.g. my nesting partner and I communicate at a compatible frequency and therefore communication comes easy between us). Sometimes those two frequencies come together and create a noticeable imbalance (or a frequency “beat” if you want to get nerdy). That imbalance can be a very unpleasant thing to experience.

On average, a human can hear a range of about 20,000 different frequencies when measured by Hertz (20Hz to 20,000Hz give or take). Much like the large human audible range, the range of communication compatibilities is ENORMOUS. That’s because there is so many variables.  That means to be a perfect communicator, YOU have to have the skills to be able to dial in precisely to each person’s frequency.  I honestly don’t even know if that’s possible.  Even professionals where it’s a big part of their job to figure out how to get through to other humans (e.g. therapists) can’t dial into everyone’s frequency just right.  That’s why a therapist can be highly regarded by some and seen as awful by others.  This is why it’s important to remember that communication compatibility is important in all aspects of our life.  Not just your romantic relationships.

Here’s the thing about me: I can talk about anything and everything.  I can spill my guts, express difficult concerns, set expectations that I know might be hard to hear.  I can check in regularly about my feelings.  I can be very forward and transparent.  I can share all my wants and needs.

IF

The person I’m communicating with and myself have frequencies that vibe. 

If the person I’m communicating with and myself don’t have frequencies that vibe, then I struggle with communicating some or all those things.  It can cause my brain to shut down and malfunction.  

Folks who operate at a similar frequency as myself might think I’m an excellent communicator.  For example, they might appreciate forwardness above all else.  On the flip side, someone who communicates at a different frequency might find that forwardness isn’t always compassionate.  They also might find my level of communication is exhausting and too much.  All of a sudden my communication skills don’t feel so great.

Because I’m neurodiverse and easily overstimulated, I prefer non/low emotional dialog.  I like to communicate calmly and with an even tone.  I want either party to be able to take a step back from the dialog if they are having strong emotions so they have time to process. That’s not a format of communication where everyone feels comfortable.  Some people may feel like it’s impossible to communicate hard things without leaning into their emotions and that’s 100% valid (any maybe even more normal).  To some people, I might just seem like some kind of robot completely void of emotions.

It’s not because the other people have sub-par communication and my communication is superior or vice versa. I’m just me and they are just them.  They may be great at expressing the core fundamentals of communicating effectively (sharing feelings, setting expectations, expressing wants/needs, etc.) .  It’s not just “what” they’re expressing when evaluating compatibility in communication but it’s also “when” and “how”, too.  Let’s take a quick look at how the “when” and “how” can add so many layers to the “what”:

When:  Have you ever said something at a very wrong time?  I sure have. Maybe it was the right time for me but wrong for the person who was hearing it. Maybe it’s important to have certain communication on a full stomach so you aren’t hangry.  Maybe it’s important that you don’t hear about a new crush right after a long day of exhausting work.  Sometimes people want to talk things out immediately and sometimes people want to sit in their feelings for a bit to process so there may be a different sense of urgency.

How: The method can include your tone, your volume and your expressions.  It can also include different modalities of communication like text, email, face-to-face or over the phone.  Some of you will say “text please” for hard convos and some will say “face-to-face please”.  It doesn’t mean one is better, it just means you simply have different preferences.  Sometimes, to the detriment of my fellow neurodiverse folks, even passive aggressive communication works for some people.  It can feel playful and fun and be effective for those two people.

Again: So. Many. Variables.

I’ve come a long way in my communication from where I started.  The version of me 10 years ago didn’t even have the core elements of communication down.  I was a bottler and I’d just bottle everything up.  It was miserable to myself and miserable to my loved ones as well.  So yeah, I’m a better communicator than I used to be but I want to keep developing those skills even more. All the work I’ve done on communication has given me some very happy and healthy relationships.  Not ONLY because I worked on my communication but also because I’ve found people who communicate at a compatible frequency.

While you strive to be a better communicator, don’t strive for perfection.  It’s just not achievable.  Keep trying to grow and expand your communication skills, because growth in that area of your life will serve you well.  You’ll be able to dial into more frequencies than just your own.  Just don’t be too hard on yourself if your method of communication doesn’t work for every single person you come across.  It just won’t.  Seek out some level of compatibility of frequencies to have a sense of harmony in your relationships.  Just know that no matter how good you think you get at communicating, you’re not the only person in that equation.

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If you want a good quick and dirty 101 on sound frequencies check out this short video .