Neurodivergent Dating in Polyamory

Patterns are totally my thing. I’m really good at recognizing patterns. In fact, I taught myself to play piano at a young age. Not because I’m musically inclined but because the piano keys are a beautiful pattern of black and white that make pretty sounds. I liked matching the patterns up with the pictures on the page and it was fun. Good pattern recognition is something common in the brains of people on the autism spectrum. I happen to have one of those kinds of brains. The autistic kind. I just didn’t learn this until I was in my late 20’s and I’m so glad I stumbled across that revelation before I started my polyamory journey. Being conscious of and really learning how my brain processes the world as someone who is neurodivergent has made it easier for me to set boundaries and expectations. You know what other pattern I’ve observed? I have noticed that there are a lot of neurodivergent people in the polyamory community. 

A quick and dirty intro into neurodiversity: 

Neurodiversity is an attempt at acknowledging that we don’t all process the world the same way. You have neurotypical people who make up a majority of folks and neurodivergent folks who are the minority. What makes someone neurodivergent? Lots of things! Autism, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, anxiety and anything that does not fit into the box of “normal” thought patterns. Normal is a very vague word, but it’s what we build our society around. Our classrooms, work lives and our social expectations are all built around the neurotypical person. Neurotypical people tend to be naturally good with social cues, can easily read a room and tend to not get overstimulated easily. They usually learn well in a traditional academic environment, and their development follows a pretty predictable timeline (walking, talking, learning, etc.). On the flip side, neurodivergent people can have trouble learning in a traditional classroom environment and might not follow predictable developmental timelines. Social cues aren’t inherent and need to be learned. Neurodivergent people process information and learn in different ways than neurotypical people. This doesn’t have anything to do with their intelligence and has everything to do with how they process the world through their own unique lens. 

As a neurodivergent and polyamorous person who has navigated both healthy and unhealthy relationships I thought I would share some things I’ve learned over the years. Neurodiversity is broad and I’ve written these tips to try and be inclusive of all neurodivergent folks but my journey and experiences are my own, so these might not all be applicable to you. I still hope they can help you explore some thought tracks when navigating your existing and potential connections.

1. Don’t agree to do things that you don’t like to do. You may get excited when a crush invites you to do literally ANYTHING and you say “YES!” even if it’s not something you’d enjoy. Just say “No.” Explain why and tell them some things you would rather do instead. This is a good opportunity to practice setting some boundaries for both yourself and your crush. If this is someone that you will be compatible with and who will be understanding of who you are as a person then they will appreciate this so much. A lot of us neurodivergent people have a hard time with many normal activities that seem pretty routine. When you say “Yes!” and go to that activity and are miserable, bored and/or overstimulated, the person who invited you is going to know. Stick to doing things that you’re comfortable with and you know you can be at your best while doing. After all, the beauty of polyamory is you don’t need to be that person’s “everything” so let them take someone else to that concert that you weren’t going to enjoy anyways.
   
   
2. Let people know up front how you’re different. Take notes on how you’re different from neurotypical people. Share those things with people you meet as they come up. I’ve found that being up front about my differences early on makes navigating connections much easier. As an example: Say I am sitting across the table from someone and they are telling me a story. I will say “Hey, just FYI, eye contact is really hard for me and my staring off to the side isn’t a sign of disinterest. I’m really interested in what you’re saying.” Now they don’t have to wonder if I’m just trying to find the nearest exit.
   
   
3. Explain masking to new people.  Masking is when a neurodivergent person forces themselves into “normal” behaviors to try their best to fit in with the rest of the world.  If you’re comfortable with taking off your mask for new people then I recommend you try to do that.  This way, they can get to know you in all your neurodivergent glory.  Not everyone is comfortable with or even CAN take off their mask intentionally.  If that’s the case for you, then have a conversation with your potential new connection about what masking is and how you wear yours.  This will take some self reflection and vulnerability but it will help set up some expectations. 
   
   
4. Neurodivergence can make you special. Figure out in what ways being the way you are makes you a great partner. As a neurodivergent person you can probably offer a lot of things that other people can’t. You can highlight these with potential love interests as they might not be things they think about. For example, someone who has ADHD can offer way more spontaneity and amazing adventures to someone’s day and someone who is OCD can offer routine and consistency. For me, being on the autism spectrum and the way it affects me means I can have all levels of conversations with a pretty even tone. A lot of people have appreciated this about me.
   
   
5. Learn the things that don’t come naturally to you. Just because it doesn’t come as naturally to you as neurotypical people doesn’t mean you can’t learn. A lot of people that are neurodivergent have a harder time with things that come very naturally to neurotypical folks. Some examples might be time management, recognizing facial expressions and knowing what to say in certain social situations. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those things and learn them. For example, when I learned that I was on the autism spectrum as an adult I took a test where I was supposed to identify facial expressions and I failed miserably. Well, I found some facial expression flashcards and started studying them and now I’m a lot better at recognizing them. This helps me understand my partners better. I also realized very quickly that I just thought most facial expressions meant someone had to poop.
   
   
6. Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to treat people poorly. I admit, this is kind of a broad statement and “treating someone poorly” is very subjective. You are who you are and you can’t be someone you’re not. With that said, if the same behaviors you exhibit consistently hurt people then I suggest you at least try to work on changing those. An example is stonewalling (completely shutting down and refusing to communicate or giving minimal and vague feedback to the people around you). This is a pretty common behavior with people on the autism spectrum and I did that pretty consistently in the past. It happens so fast and I didn’t even know I was doing it. If I’m being completely honest, it even still sneaks up on me now (old habits die hard). Over the years I have learned to recognize when I start falling into that and I can at least say “I’m shutting down and this isn’t going to be the best time for me to talk about this,” or I can keep myself from going into that place by being conscious of it. I still don’t catch it every single time but I do it way less and it doesn’t impact my relationships the way it used to.
   
    
7. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is the most important advice I can give you. Don’t underestimate someone’s ability to love you just the way you are. I know a lot of us think “I am a really hard person to love” because we see ourselves as so different from what’s considered the norm. Please trust me as someone who is not neurotypical and who has people in my life who love me. They don’t love me in spite of my neurodivergence, but because that’s just who I am. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea but you’ll be someone’s hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold winter evening. 

Neurodivergent people are the outliers and have to do their best to fit into a society that wasn’t built for them. They have been shoved in a box that doesn’t fit them their whole life and perhaps that contributes to them being more comfortable with exploring polyamory and living outside the societal norms. Understanding why there are so many neurodivergent folks in the polyamory community can be a whole other ball of wax (though still fascinating so let me know if you have any research/resources on this). While there is a slight shift in the culture surrounding neurodiversity and people are becoming more aware that we can’t live in a one-size-fits-all society there is still a long way to go. In the meantime, we are all just trying to do our best navigating this wild world. Just do your best, be kind and go be someone’s hot chocolate.