An Open Letter To You Polyamorous Heathens
Dear Polyamorist,
This letter is for all you polyamorous heathens out there. To everyone that lurks in the shadows and is damaging society and all the arbitrary constructs we were raised to believe. I’m going to tell you all the reasons why what you’re doing is bad and why you should stop. This isn’t just my “opinion” and I’m going to use science and math to justify my opinions so you can’t even argue them. There’s so many reasons why what you’re doing is destroying the world but here’s just a handful of reasons why you should cease your wretched behavior immediately!
Holding love in your heart for more than one person is so unnatural that I can’t even fathom how you live with yourself. Look, there is literally only 1 litre of love in your heart. Wait… is love measured in weight? Maybe it’s 1lb? Gosh, I don’t know but it doesn’t matter! Whatever the quantity of love you have, you must only give it to one person. What about your kids and your family, you ask? Well, that’s a different kind of love. That’s the love that comes from your familial love glands and there’s at least 2 litres… or 2lbs… or whatever amount of that so try to distribute that as evenly as you can. It’s biology you all!
I don’t care that 95% of the 4000 mammalian species are non-monogamous and that of the remaining 5% most of them are only monogamous for a breeding season. Monogamy is in our DNA!!!! My proof? PENGUINS!!!! Yes, penguins are mammals because they have blood. Penguins are monogamous so humans must be too! Penguins have the exact same DNA as humans so therefore if penguins are monogamous then we must be too! Don’t believe me? Well you should because I watched a youtube video on DNA and it taught me everything I need to know. Penguin DNA is closer to Human DNA than any other mammal therefore polyamory is unnatural.
Don’t even get me started about how dirty your genitals are. I don’t care about these studies that “claim” that non-monogamy promotes better sexual health than monogamy. I don’t care if you get tested regularly, ask for test results from partners, are more likely to use protection, discuss STD’s regularly and help try to eliminate the shame and stigma around them. It’s basic statistics. More partners= more dirty genitals. Who in their right mind would argue with that??? Oh, and before you come back at me about how STD’s are more prevalent in monogamy because it’s not something that’s openly discussed and tested for I’m just going to stop you there. STD’s from cheating in monogamous relationships doesn’t count. It just doesn’t count.
I’m going to say it and I’m not even sorry. You’re destroying these children’s lives. Children aren’t meant to be raised by a village. That’s hogwash and you know it! In what world does a child having multiple loving and caring adults in their life raising them actually help them? I know, I know. You think that having more adults who are demonstrating compassion, love and acceptance in a child’s life is better for them. It’s not and I’m going to tell you why. Having 2 adults (or 1) is the only acceptable number of parental figures for a child. 3 or more is just too many. If we just do some simple math I’ll prove it to you. 2 > 3 so therefore also 1 > 3 so therefore 1 or 2 parents are better than 3. It’s simple math people! Get with the program.
Lastly, being polyamorous affects your job performance. Don’t argue with me! It does! If it didn’t, then why would people be so worried about losing their jobs if their employer finds out they are polyamorous? It’s because they are afraid their boss will know that they can’t do their job any longer. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have, how long you’ve proved yourself or how good you are at your job. It’s a proven fact that once your employer knows your polyamorous your work ceases to be good and you must be fired. If it wasn’t true then why would employers fire people for simply loving more than one person? Surely there HAS to be a reason and the only reasonable conclusion I can come to is that being polyamourous affects your job performance. It’s called cause and correlation for all you non-science people out there.
Let my letter be the thing that changes your mind about how you perceive polyamory. If I hear one more person talk about how it promotes emotional maturity, growth, better communication, self confidence or any other positive thing I’m going to vomit. It’s wrong, it’s unnatural, it’s bad and I don’t agree with it. Therefore, nobody should be partaking in this awful thing.
Sincerely
Your Friendly Neighborhood Scientist