Polyamory Tool Belt – Managing A Jealousy Crisis

Welcome back to another segment of Polyamory Tool Belt.  I’m going to be giving you some tips on things you can do during a jealousy crisis.  Before I get too far into this I want to express the importance of reaching out to someone if you’re thinking about hurting yourself.   Jealousy compounded with severe depression can be really dangerous. 1-800-273-8255 < This is the number and link to the suicide prevention hotline.  I’m going to assume for the rest of this article that your crisis doesn’t involve self harm.  If it does, then please please please pretty please with a cherry on top tell someone you’re having these thoughts. 

Now, there’s a lot of resources out there about how to mitigate jealousy in open relationships.  There’s so many important things you can do on the front end to try and avoid a crisis.  I’ve even written about the Jealousy Mind Flayer and how it messes with your head.  Sometimes a crisis happens no matter how much you try to not have one.  My first jealousy crisis happened a few years into my polyamory journey and completely caught me off guard. These are some things you can do during a jealousy crisis to help maintain some control over your thoughts. Just know that everyone’s brain is different and some things might work better for you than others.  Some of these might exacerbate your crisis so pick and choose what works for. Even better, think of some of your own creative ways to manage the crisis. You know yourself better than anybody else!  

What is a jealousy Crisis and how do I know I’m in one?

A jealousy crisis usually starts with some random negative thought.  Say a partner is going on a date and you just start thinking about how that person might be better looking than you.  A somewhat innocent thought by itself. But then… then you start thinking about how you and your partner just had a fight a few days ago.  Then you start thinking about how the other person has more money than you and could probably provide a better life. Then you think about how your partner is probably just bored of you.  Then you think about how you were so young when you got together and you didn’t really know who you were. So on and so on. 

Uh oh, now your body is feeling funny.  Your stress response is kicking in and it’s releasing all these chemicals into your body.  It doesn’t feel very nice. Your face is hot, your heart rate is speeding up, your eyes start leaking and now you literally can’t think of anything else.  It’s totally consuming you and you are now completely submerged in a pool of negative thoughts and feelings. You feel like your world is crashing down on you and it does not feel good. 

What do I do?????

Required:

Fucking Breathe – Take a huge breath.  Then take several more.  Don’t try anything else until you have your breathing under control.  Oxygen will actually help manage that stress response and this is the best thing you can do for yourself before you tackle anything else.  

Optional:

Be Realistic – Focus on realistic thoughts.  Acknowledge that your partner probably isn’t going to actually leave you.  It’s so rare that a person goes on one date or gets one crush and thinks “I”m going to leave this person that I love because I had some feelings for someone else.”  It just doesn’t happen that way. You’re not in any immediate danger. Jealousy, like most anxieties, doesn’t play well with our rational brain. Keep yourself grounded because it’s so easy for our anxious brains to override all reasoning.  

Self Care – Self care is so important in many parts of your life.  You shouldn’t really wait for a crisis to make this a priority.  But hey, if you’re already here then you might as well do it. Do something non-destructive that makes you happy.  This might be taking a bath, drawing, painting, or playing video games. You can totally bake some cookies and send them to me (as long as they don’t have raisins).  Don’t look at it as a distraction. Instead, think to yourself “I’m a valuable human being and I deserve to take care of myself and do this thing that makes me happy.”

Face Your Fears – This one may not be for everyone but I say go ahead and plan out the worst case scenario.  Imagine a scenario where your partner leaves you for this other person. You can’t control what they do, who they love and how they live their life.  They are a human being with free will to make the decisions that are the best for them. If it actually happened then guess what? You’re probably going to be just fine after some time.  Maybe at first it’s going to be awful but humans are biologically pretty resilient to change.

Mantras – Ok, if you’re an advanced meditator then just meditate.  The reality is that it would take a pretty advanced meditator to calm their mind in a state like this.  For that reason I recommend just borrowing a fragment of meditation: Mantras. Pick a phrase or even a single word and just keep repeating in your head over and over.  Do this while taking deep breaths. Here’s a few examples of what a mantra might be:

“I am awesome and if my partner leaves me then it’s their loss.”

“Love is not divided.  Love is Multiplied.”

“Jealousy will not control me.”

Or make up your own!

Write – You can use a computer, your phone or even an old school pen and paper.  Here are some ideas for things you can write:

Just Journal – Sometimes just writing down your thoughts can help tremendously.  Just spill your guts to yourself and see where it takes you.

Dig Deep – Write down the question “Why am I really feeling jealous?” Then answer it.  Then keep drilling down with why, how and what questions.  

Question: Why am I feeling jealous?
Answer: I’m feeling jealous because I’m afraid my partner will leave me.
Etc.

Gas Yourself Up – Write down all the reasons why you think you’re awesome and you make a great partner.  Take inventory of why you’re a catch and why your partner would be silly to leave you.  

Phone a Friend – Have someone you can confide in that is not your partner.  Also, make sure this friend has no stake in your relationships and is completely neutral (this is very important because you’re very vulnerable right now).  Talking to a friend can help in a couple of different ways. Just purely expressing your concerns and fears alone can be extremely helpful. One of the other less obvious reasons is that sometimes when you’re in a jealousy crisis you can feel very alone in the world.  Talking to a friend reminds you that you’re not alone and there’s something really comforting about that.

Turn on the waterworks  – Don’t fight it!  Let those eyeballs flow like a river.  It’s good for our bodies to cry and can even release good hormones.  Many people find the process of crying soothing. There’s conflicting research about whether there’s physiological evidence that crying reduces the stress hormones.  Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. It helps a lot of people and that’s what matters!  

What Not to do:

• Do not completely distract yourself.  If you just completely distract yourself then you’re not going to work towards being able to manage your feelings of jealousy.
• Do not call or text your partner while they are on a date telling them you’re having a crisis and they need to call you.  It’s manipulative and you’re putting the burden on them.  
• Do not make any big decisions.  You may think about leaving, giving an ultimatum, moving out, etc.  You definitely do not need to be making any decisions at a time like this.
• Do not beat yourself up.  Human bodies are funny things and we can’t always control how we physically react to things. Your feelings are valid and it’s ok.