No, She Doesn’t Want to See Your Dick

When you’re in the world of polyamory for a handful of years and spend time on various forums, you start to see the same conversations over and over.  Hard topics hashed out with no clear winners. One of the debates I see pretty consistently starts with a post like this:

This triggers a back and forth about who has it worse in the dating world, men or women. I stumbled across a post like that about 6 weeks ago and posted something on my Facebook page to the effect of “They both have their own struggles so it shouldn’t even be a debate.”  The amazing women in my life let me know that I was only half right. I was right in that it shouldn’t even be a debate. The part I was wrong about is the word struggle. See, struggle underplays what they have to deal with. If a woman walks down the street and someone says to her “Wanna Fuck?” Do we say she struggled? No. We say she was harassed.  

I try really hard to listen to the people in my life, especially when it’s coming from multiple sources.  In summary, my friends collectively told me that I couldn’t even comprehend how bad it can be for women and I shouldn’t talk about things I don’t know about (in a gentle but firm way).  If you know me at all, you know that I try really hard to understand different perspectives in the world. I took a deep breath, collected my crumbled ego and opened my mind to what they were saying.  When I did that, something started to shift as I was on dating sites. I started reading dating profiles differently. While I always noticed women would put things in their profile like “No, I don’t want to see your dick so don’t ask.” it carried a different weight now.  I started noticing how consistent of a message that was across the board. So many of women’s profiles are filled with verbiage trying desperately to help us guys connect with them. How sad is it that women have to put things on their profile to literally beg for basic human decency?

A week after my initial post where I got set straight, I posted something on my Facebook saying I wanted to learn more about this. I asked for people’s stories and screenshots if they were comfortable sharing them.  I received ssssoooooo many. Way more than I could have even imagined. I know everyone will have a different experience on dating sites and this may not be everyone’s experience but just the fact that I got so much feedback about these interactions told me that this was a systemic problem.

Just for argument’s sake, let’s take the blatant harassment that women receive off the table for a minute.  Let’s address the issue with men perceiving the women’s experience on dating sites as being easier because they get more attention. Good news guys, I did the work for you.  I had a friend who messaged me and proposed I use their pictures to make a profile on OK Cupid (Thank you for that!). I thought “Ooooohhhhh, an experiment! Fun! I’m going to learn so much!” And so Jess was born. An attractive, alternative looking female in the Greenville, SC area that likes board games.  I made the profile pretty neutral and didn’t say anything sexual at all. I put enough to not look spammy but not so much it would discourage people from reading my profile. Making a fake profile already caused me some personal moral dilemmas but I promised myself I wouldn’t “Like ” anyone’s profile or interact with anybody as to not give someone false hope.  I fully understand that this will limit my experience and what kind of data I could collect but I was ready to at least scratch the surface. I started a running journal where I would take notes every time I checked in on there. I was eager to see what happened so I created the profile and then hopped back on a couple of hours later. This was my first journal entry:

“Just a couple of hours in and 99+ likes and 26 intros.   Not even 1 message that seemed remotely thought out or like it wasn’t copied and pasted.  Most were “Hey Sexy” or “Hey Baby” or “Damn you sexy” and sometimes people couldn’t even be bothered to put more than one word.  I’d literally just get a “sexy” and nothing else. It made me feel like I was walking down the streets of New York and just being cat called by a bunch of random guys.  It didn’t feel good and I’m already not looking forward to this.”

About 6.5 hours later and the numbers had tripled. I logged in and had a similar experience to the one I did before.  I didn’t even bother screen-shotting because there was so much redundancy. I couldn’t click on the profiles and pass them fast enough.  

Here’s some sreenshots from day 1:

I found myself getting excited when I saw somebody would write something more than “Hey baby wud”. At one point in my experiment, I got an intro message that actually had some length! I was so excited and thought “Maybe this will be the exception!” :

Nope.  I was wrong  I remember just scratching my head wondering where on my profile I would have indicated that I needed to be pleased in every way.  

I will say that a very small percentage of people seemed to have at least read the profile to some degree.  It was the exception and not the rule. Even then, they might only go as far as asking me my favorite board games.  Those interactions were grossly outnumbered, though. 

Since I did limit myself to only one dating app and didn’t interact with anyone, nobody would have had much of an opportunity to send me unsolicited pictures or make sexual advances.  Regardless of that, a lot of messages had undertones that indicated they could have quickly gone that direction.  

So it’s about a week later into my experiment and I’m in the 1500’s of profile likes and have combed at least 200 intro messages.  At this point, I just can’t even be bothered and I dread having to sign into Jess’s profile. I’m anxious to get back to my own dating profile where it’s nice and quiet.  My own personal dating profile started to feel like a safe space where I can be patient and wait for quality interactions instead of having to comb through so much garbage.  With that simple exercise, I can unequivocally say that it’s not even comparable. Being Jess took substantially more work and I wasn’t even messaging anybody! 

The whole experience made me think of this analogy: Imagine you’re checking out a brochure for a cruise.  You’re reading the brochure and it says men only get to eat once every 2 days but get a large satisfying 6 course meal.  Women can eat whenever they want but only have access to uncooked whale carcass. Would you, a guy, think “Those women are so lucky! They can eat all the food they want!”? Of course you wouldn’t.  Hopefully you’d opt for a better cruise option but I think you get the gist. More isn’t always better!

So I could probably end this blog post here.  I mean… point made. Women have it way worse than men.  I know that if I had a bunch of girls sending me those kinds of messages I would feel reduced to nothing more than just a bag of meat and bones.  I’ve never once felt objectified on my normal dating profile as a cis man in the 5+ years I’ve been on and off various dating profiles. It didn’t even take me 2 hours to get objectified 20+ times as a female.  Unfortunately, it gets worse for women than my little silly experiment. I would be so completely remiss to finish this blog without talking about the real problem women face every single day. Harassment. Harassment in all forms.  Dodging social media blocks, dick pics, sexual advances and even stalking. I even had a friend share a story and a screenshot with me about how a guy messaged her discussing pedophelia and incest with his underage daughter. Yes, she reported him but sadly I’m sure nothing was done.

I’ve felt many emotions through this process.  A lot of times I’ve felt anger when I saw screenshots.  I’ve felt confused and found myself just wondering why people would say the things they do.  However, there’s a predominant emotion when I’m talking to my friends and hearing their stories: I feel sad.  I feel sad that society separates digital harassment from in-person harassment. I feel sad that my friends have become complacent just to cope.  I felt sad just the other night when I received this message from a new internet friend I was getting to know: 

The fact that this even had to be something someone said to me really bummed me out.  A month ago, I don’t think it would have impacted me the same way that it did.

I understand it probably takes a lot of energy to fight this monstrosity of a problem.  It’s easier to just block people or just forgo dating sites all together as some of my friends have done.  I really wish I had a simple solution to stop this. I know states like Texas have started criminalizing unsolicited dick pics.  It’s a step in the right direction but it’s not enough. I’ve noticed that more of my friends are putting these guys on blast on social media.  It’s a very brave thing for them to do but it’s a risk that not everyone is comfortable taking. The bottom line is that there has to be more consequences for harassing behavior. I wish the companies hosting the various platforms for communication invested in a way to tackle this problem better.  These men are acting under the guise of free speech. 

Before I conclude this blog post, I want you to go through these screenshots and see what the women in our life are getting on a daily basis.

For the record, this isn’t even all of them. Not even half.  Many of them were full length conversations. Some of them had the harasser defending the harassment.  I hope this post and the screenshots are enough to make a point that it’s really hard out there for women.  So guys, let’s do better. Let’s REALLY listen when the women in our life talk about how hard it can be for them out there.  They aren’t exaggerating and they aren’t “lucky” to be getting so much attention. If you’re reading this and you could be one of these guys in these screenshots then please stop.  Not because you’re giving other guys a bad name, but you’re actually harassing the human beings at the other end of those messages. Before you message a stranger something or send a picture, ask yourself if you would walk up to them in a grocery store and say what you’re about to say.  If the answer is no, then don’t send that message.