Why I’m Not Down With The OPP

I’m not talking about the same OPP from the 90’s song by Naughty by Nature.  I’m talking about something different. It’s something that plagues the polyamory community and is widely seen as unethical. The OPP I’m not down with is the One Penis Policy. If you want to see how this policy can cause problems in your polyamory relationship then I encourage you to read this with an open mind.

A couple of quick disclaimers:  

• I can only talk about an OPP in the context of polyamory.  I know this can be included in some contracts in BDSM and I can’t say if it’s good or bad because I don’t have experience with that.
• I acknowledge and have personally known people with A One Pussy Policy so I can say it’s not exclusive to penises.  The truth is that there’s many different configurations of relationships and genders that can suffer from this. The issue is not unique to hetero-normative folks.  With that said, I’m going to talk about it in the context of One Penis Policy in a hetero-normative capacity for clarity.

What it is:

The One Penis Policy (OPP) is when the owner of a penis doesn’t allow their partners to date or have sex with other people that also have a penis. Most often, the rule doesn’t apply to them and they can date people regardless of that person’s genitals. Sometimes this is done blatantly but many times it’s done passively (e.g. the person with the OPP might be way less supportive of their partner having a relationship with someone with a penis).

How it starts:

Obviously, everyone’s story is a little different.  Let’s just look at a pretty typical tale of how one might find themselves with an OPP.  We are going to use the fictional characters Jane and John.

1. Jane is in a long term relationship with John.
2. Jane craves an intimate connection with a woman.
3. Jane tells John about this desire.
4. John says they are ok with Jane exploring it as long as Jane only sticks to women.
5. Jane is grateful for the flexibility of their current partner and agrees to that stipulation. 

How it goes:

1. Jane starts exploring connections with women.
2. Despite her efforts in trying to connect with another woman, Jane accidentally connects with someone that has a penis.
3. Jane is human and wants exactly what she can’t have.
4. Jane confronts John and tells him they are starting to get feelings for someone that has a penis.

What Happens:

1. John is upset and frustrated that Jane started getting feelings for someone with a penis.
2. Jane starts to resent John because Jane doesn’t understand why genitals matter.
3. John says genitals don’t matter and he is upset Jane changed the rules.
4. Jane calls B.S. and Jane is right. Jane did still break the rules, though.

What’s Really Happening:

John is insecure. He doesn’t feel safe and he feels threatened by Jane dating someone with a penis. Insecurity isn’t a good feeling and John thinks Jane is trying to destroy their relationship. The reality is that Jane wants nothing more than to keep John in her life while inviting more love into her heart. John’s primal brain overshadows all reason and he thinks Jane will find a better penis and then leave him.  When in reality, her love for him extends way past his dangly bits. 

For John:

Let’s look at this objectively and strip away all the insecurities.  By having an OPP, what you’re saying is that you think your penis is the deciding factor in Jane’s love for you.  Is your penis really that special? No offense but it’s probably not. Jane can go to a store and buy a penis off the shelf.  If you break down the human body and just think of it as a bunch of tiny atoms pieced together, does it really matter how those atoms are formed?  Are you only dating Jane because of how her atoms are formed on a structural level? Hopefully that’s not the only reason. Sure, the atoms that create Jane’s body, face and genitals make up a certain geometry that your brain processes as attractive. However, don’t you really love Jane because of the person she is?  I know it’s hard and scary and you probably have some work to do. Trust me when I say you should do the work to be comfortable accepting Jane’s relationship regardless of her partner’s genitals . You will both benefit in the long haul and you’ll be happy you did the hard work. 

Just try to remember this: One of the most loving ways to love someone is to let the person you love be free to love who they want to love.

For Jane:

I hope you learned your lesson.  Don’t agree to stipulations that put boundaries on your capacity to love.  At the end of the day, you still broke an agreement. You will have to take some responsibility for that.  You’re going to have to learn to say no to things that you can’t fully 100% commit to.

In Conclusion:

If Polyamory is about loving and respecting someone enough to not keep them from sharing their heart with others then the OPP is just a big F-U to that. Not to mention that it’s a breeding ground for resentment, which is one of the 3 invasive species in the relationship ecosystem. This is why I’m not down with the OPP and you shouldn’t be either.