Polyamory Tool Belt – 4×4 Yes Test

Here is a simple 4×4 Yes Test. Four simple rules and four simple questions. You’re not done with the test until you can answer yes to the 4 questions. If you’re checking in with your partner(s) regularly, the whole thing should take less than 10 minutes. This test leverages the power of good communication and should make navigating polyamory easier and more comfortable for everyone. It can help mitigate potential conflict on the front end through meaningful communication. In addition to using this for regular check in I also recommend you go through this anytime you might expect some potential conflict (date nights, trips, overnights, holidays, etc.). When going through the test, if either of you answer no to any of these, take a minute to talk it out until you feel like you can answer yes. When you can both answer yes to all these questions then you are in a great place to keep moving forward. Keep in mind that my tips are just that: tips. Every relationship is different and there’s always different agreements about how and what to communicate.

Rules:

1. Create a safe space. Agree to keep your emotions in check while you communicate through some hard conversations.
2. Share and Listen only. Don’t argue. Keep it in the back of your mind that there’s two perspectives and they won’t always meet in the middle.
3. Validate each other’s feelings even if you don’t understand them. Be ok with not always fully understanding them.
4. If you start to feel flustered and like you can’t talk rationally about the things being talked about, take some time to recenter yourself (verbally asking for a break). Before you take a break, promise yourself and your partner you will revisit the conversation soon (ideally the same day).

Questions:

1. Have you communicated expectations?

Tips: Setting expectations can be broad but for this example I’m going to use a scenario where one of you has an upcoming date night. You may be tempted to say you’ll be home at 10PM for your upcoming date night. You do this to make your partner feel better, but truthfully you might want to stay out as late as 2AM. If that’s the case, set the expectation that you’ll be home as late at 3AM. If you think there’s a small chance you might have sex, don’t say “We might have sex but I seriously doubt it.” just let them know you are going to have sex. Expectation setting can be a very powerful tool in mitigating hurt feelings.

2. Have you communicated feelings?

Tips: Below is a feeling chart that can help you navigate identifying your specific feelings. It’s another great tool to keep in your back pocket. Share how you’re feeling with your partner and why. Even if you’re just feeling content and nothing else. Make sure you each understand that your feelings are yours to own and that you’re just sharing them for consideration. Do not share your feelings with the expectation that your partner will change their behavior. That’s dangerous. If you want to see a behavior changed, address is explicitly. If you tell your partner that you’re feeling insecure do not expect them to cancel their plans because you’re feeling that way.

3. Have you communicated wants/needs?

Tips: Wants are bonus, needs are things you need. I want to see you 3 times a week, but I need to see you at least 1 time a week. Defining needs can be tricky but remember these 2 things: 1. Make sure your needs are directly related to YOU. Saying you need your partner to stop talking to someone because you’re feeling insecure is not a need. It’s a rule and it’s not cool. 2. Don’t generalize needs and be specific. “I need more physical touch” is too general. Try: “I need to make sure we make time to cuddle on our dates.”

4. Have you communicated concerns?

Tips: This can be kind of viewed as the problem solving conversation track. A good example of a concern is “I’m concerned that my trip to Dallas is going to cause you a lot of insecurity.” Another example can be “I’m concerned that you might have unprotected sex and not tell me because you’re afraid of how I might react.” Do not sit on these things. Work through them. You’ll be glad you did work through them before they became a bigger issue.

So much comfort can be found when you’re communicating and keeping one another on the same page. The simple act of saying out loud what you’re feeling can be surprisingly healing. When I’ve felt insecure and I shared that with my partners in a safe and constructive way it made me feel better. Many times we just need to feel heard. Use this as a simple tool to improve your communication in your relationships.