Walls – My Hidden Toxic Trait

Before polyamory, I was a serial monogamist and had been in a few long term relationships starting from when I was 17. If you exclude all my middle school and high school relationships (can we even REALLY call them all relationships?) then I have not dated much at all as an adult. In a lot of ways I was pretty inexperienced entering the dating field when taking on the polyamory label at 30 years old. I’m still learning so much with each new connection I make. I know many of my peers can relate to this feeling. It’s scary enough to be single and monogamous as an adult, but now I had to learn to navigate a whole new set of rules. It’s almost like having to learn how to walk again!

Through my polyamory journey, I’ve dated a handful of wonderful people. Each one providing me a great opportunity for self growth and self realization. Every single deeper connection I make and explore I take a world of wisdom away from that experience. I’m very grateful for that and I’ve been very fortunate to still have many of those people in my life as friends despite the romantic parts dissolving. They gave me their time and energy and I always enjoy that connection with them in the moment but….

…something seems to keep happening…

…It’s a pattern…

…I’m hurting people… 

See, I start feeling some negative feeling and I throw my walls up so quick neither of us really knows what happened. If I start to feel hurt, overwhelmed, anxious, scared or some variation of all four then I start to pull back.

I’m a visual person and I imagine my walls in a somewhat literal sense. Let me paint this picture for you: Imagine a giant fortified castle. It’s surrounded by a huge moat and can only be entered via a giant iron door that seconds as a bridge over the moat. The walls surrounding the castle are 100 feet tall and 20 feet deep. By default, I’m inside my castle and the drawbridge door is always closed so nobody can enter. I mostly hang out in a hidden secret dungeon where my heart is locked up inside a box for safe keeping. Also, there’s guards at every layer leading down to the secret dungeon. Also, I’m in a full suit of armor. Also, I command a flight of dragons! Ok, ok, you get the picture. Anyway, sometimes when I’m feeling bold I’ll come out of my dungeon and peak over the castle walls. Someone might catch my interest and I’ll let them through the castle walls to get to know them better. I start to feel comfortable with this person but I simultaneously feel really nervous. Then, with just the slightest feeling of uneasiness I yell “GGGGUUUAAAARRRRRDDDDSSSS!!! TAKE THEM OOOOUUUTTT!!! TAKE THEM OUT OF THE CASTLE!!!!!!!!” and I run back into my secret hidden dungeon and close the door to my castle.

I can identify times in my journey where this response was warranted.  It kept me out of relationships that would have been bad for me. I’ve patted myself on the back and congratulated myself on learning to avoid people that would foster unhealthy relationships.  There’s also been times where I’ve done this to help protect other people. Maybe I have the foresight to see that we aren’t a good match and I’m just mitigating the inevitable break-up further down the road.  The problem is that sometimes I do it because I’m just scared of getting hurt.  

How could anyone fault me for protecting myself? How could someone call it a toxic trait? It’s purely defensive and I never intend to hurt the people I get close to.

The reality is that it’s a toxic trait that does hurt people and it is cloaked in self care. It’s something I need to be cognizant of as I pursue future relationships.

Someone recently called me an expert at self preservation. I can see why they would think that. I know myself well and I’m good at asking for what I need and I’m also good at asking for and enforcing boundaries to protect myself. However, that preservation comes at a cost.

Here’s the million dollar question: When does having walls stop being healthy and start becoming self sabotaging and toxic to others? Honestly, I wish I could tell you but I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I’ve teetered on both sides of this. Like all things in life, I need to find the balance. I’m going to continue working on this part of myself. All things in life are about finding the sweet spot. This is something I’m actively working on and have been for the last year (Thanks to a dear friend who totally called me out. You know who you are). Currently, I’m striving for a space between being an expert at self preservation and the person who loves with reckless abandon.

This was a very vulnerable post but I shared this because sometimes our toxic traits aren’t so apparent. We might have to dig through the surface to find them. I encourage everyone to always be cognizant of your behaviors that cause others pain. It’s the only way we can be better to those around us. <3