The Confusing World of Hierarchy

I’m going to be talking about hierarchy a lot in this article.  It’s a tricky topic so before I start, let’s start with the definition:

What is hierarchy? 

Hierarchy – a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority.

Is this something that happens when practicing polyamory?

All the time.  It is viewed in many circles as unethical as there’s usually unintended consequences and people get hurt.  It’s something to be aware of when navigating your relationships. Some people embrace being hierarchical and are, at least, honest about it. This is a little better than people who deny being hierarchical at all but actually are in every single way. 

Do I, the author, practice hierarchy?

I suppose I have a version of hierarchy in my relationship with my NP (nesting partner – someone you live with).  For example, I see my NP more than I would see someone else I was dating. That’s an inherent fact because my NP lives in the same house I do. Could that be considered a form of hierarchy? Possibly.  My NP gets the privilege (or maybe not always a privilege) of spending more time with me than anyone else I would date. I’ll accept that could be viewed as a form of hierarchy. On the surface, there seems to only be two sides to the coin: hierarchical and non-hierarchical. What about those of us that live somewhere in the middle?  Couples, throuples, or polycules that share housing or children and have some inherent hierarchy but are otherwise pretty autonomous. Does that mean only a non-nested polyamory person can truly be non-hierarchical? Perhaps. I really don’t have an answer and frankly I feel like the conversation of hierarchy can be talked in circles. 

Can you even quantify hierarchy?

You’re probably not supposed to, but I’m going to anyway.  Like almost all things that exist, hierarchy isn’t as black and white as it may seem on the surface.  Here is an arbitrary scale that I came up with that has no research or scientific backing at all. It’s still pretty awesome though and I love doing this kind of stuff:  

0	Non-Hierarchical	No ranking – I consider nobody but myself and the person I’m dating when making decisions about a relationship.
1	Slight-Hierarchical	Minimal Ranking – I would rank my partner higher than others when making  life changing decisions about other relationships. (e.g. relocation, having children)
2	Moderate-Hierarchical	Occasional Ranking – I would rank my partner higher than others when making some bigger decisions about other relationships. (e.g. vacations, holidays)
3	Serious-Hierarchical	Frequent Ranking – I would rank my partner higher than others when making most decisions about other relationships. (e.g. overnights, having sex)
4	Extreme-Hierarchical	Constant Ranking – I would rank my partner higher than others when making almost every decision about other relationships. (e.g. date nights, physical affection)

Anybody that didn’t pick up on it, I totally used the scale for hazardous materials. 

Why?

Because the higher you are on the scale the more hazardous you are to potential and existing partners.  

Well, I am a pretty solid 1.  Let me give you a hypothetical example to explain why:

I have my NP that I’ve been with for almost 3 years and we have a house together in South Carolina. I have been dating someone in Maine for about a year. They want me to move to Maine to be closer to them.  Logistically, it’s not impossible to do. However, my NP does not want to move to Maine. Sorry. I’m not going to move to Maine.

On the flip side: I make my own schedule, date whoever I want to date, have sex whenever and with whoever I want to have sex with and my NP has no veto power at all. In fact, we even have our own completely separate living spaces in the house that we own together (perks of buying a house post-polyam).

I try really hard to not be hierarchical.  I would love to be a 0 but I don’t really know how to accomplish that.  I’m certainly not going to leave my amazing relationship with my NP. I try to pay attention to my language and try not to use phrases like  “primary partner” and “secondary partner”. I’ll profess to the world that I practice egalitarian polyamory. And yet, despite having all of this autonomy and using specific language, I don’t think I could ever say I’m truly 100% non-hierarchical.  I’m good with a 1, though. That’s a good goal for most people. Most of us would struggle to ever be a 0 without adopting some RA (relationship anarchy) principles.   At the end of the day, just own where you’re at in your journey and be honest to those around you.  The less you let outside people influence your relationships the happier and healthier your relationships will be.