You Want to Be Polyamorous? – Buckle Up!

Are you married or in a long-term committed relationship and want to explore polyamory?  If so, here is a short guide for getting started. If not, enjoy this anyways. Be prepared for some hard truths, a little humor and a touch of loving encouragement.

Before we begin: If you want to find a “third” to date you and your partner at the same time, read this: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ Good luck! You’re jumping into the deep end of the pool without learning how to swim first. It seems like the easier and more comfortable route, but I promise it’s not. 

Be advised of the following:

• The odds are against you. I don’t have precise numbers and percentages – but since I’m writing this on the internet, it has to be true! In all seriousness, most mono-to-polyam conversions that I know have been unsuccessful (not all). This is not always because of polyamory.  Sometimes when people actually start communicating more, they realize they aren’t as in sync as they previously thought. There are a lot of possible outcomes here – but you need to be determined to beat the odds. With the right expectations and tools, I believe more people can make this type of relationship work.
• Polyam will bring every single problem in your relationship to the surface. All of a sudden there will be a huge spotlight on every argument you’ve ever had that did not get reconciled.  Remember that time you lied to your partner about eating all the cheerios? Yup, it’s time to talk about that. Every mismatch or disagreement will be put into sharp focus.
• Be prepared for the following:
  • Countless hours of hard talks.
  • Couples and/or individual therapy. 
  • Being forced to own your shit.*
  • Crying.  Lots and lots of crying.  Crying is good, by the way. I learned that from the movie Inside Out (It’s amazing, you should watch it!).  Let those waterworks flow!
• Get ready to completely rewire your brain. You have to unlearn countless years of behaviors and learn new ones.  Scrap everything you were taught about relationships and how they are supposed to be. You’re not in Kansas anymore.  
• Remember that when you start navigating polyam you’re dealing with real people with real feelings.  If you’re experimenting with polyamory, make sure you tell potential partners that’s where you’re at.

Step 1) Build your foundation –  Do some research and reading to help make sure you have the knowledge and skills to move forward. Many problems and heartache can be avoided with proper preparation.  Think of it as putting tools in your tool belt.

1. Read at least one of these books: More Than Two, The Ethical Slut, Opening Up. 
2. Read this and do the exercises: Jealousy Workbook
3. Learn who you are and get to know yourselves better.  Knowing who each of you are as individuals will help you so much in navigating hard times.  It also has the added benefit of being able to build healthier relationships with the people you will meet:
   1. Love and Apology Language Quizzes 
   2. Enneagram
   3. Attachment Styles
   4. 16 Personality Types
   5. Neuro Diversity
   6. Harry Potter Sorting Hat (Ok, this one is just for fun.)
4. Get on a calendar app if you’re not already.  In polyamory, calendars are life.
5. Figure out how to get really good at communication and expectation setting. Stat. This is the only way a polyam relationship will work.  Something that can be really helpful is creating a safe space to talk and have hard conversations. Agree to keep your cool and keep your emotions in check during this time.  Do these check-ins frequently. If you don’t talk, then you might as well go your separate ways now.

Step 2) Make the rules – Sit down and write down the rules that you want to put into place to make you the most comfortable in this transition into poly.  Think about what’s really important to you. Write down what you want and don’t want your partner doing with another partner to make you feel at ease with this transition.  It’s ok if this list is really long. We need to start somewhere. Be sure to write everything down using old-school pen and paper. This is extremely important for the next step.  

Step 3) Take care of the rules – This one will be a lot of fun! Go to the grocery store and get the things you need to make some s’mores. Then, build a fire. Now, Ceremoniously burn the rules you wrote down and enjoy your s’mores.  Accept right now that most, if not all of those rules will get broken at some point anyway. Realize that your partner is an individual and you don’t control them or their actions.  This is hard, but you’re going to have to accept this as a reality. I know – it’s scary. Trust me on this one. This is the only way this polayam relationship is going to work. This step will also help minimize opportunities for couples privilege to sneak in and ruin your other relationships (you’re welcome ).

Step 4) Make your agreements – I promise I won’t make you burn them. Now sit down and write down your needs that only directly affect YOU and correlate to YOUR needs.  This list should be relatively short. Talk about what safe sex practices look like, what your needs are to continue to feel connected with your partner. If your statement starts with “No…” then stop.  All your statements should start with “I need…” Share your lists with one another. You and your partner should be able to come to an agreement on how your relationship will work based on the needs you both bring forward.

Some quick examples of what’s acceptable:

1. I need at least one date night a week on the calendar to feel connected.
2. I need my partner to tell me if they have unprotected sex so I can determine how to keep my body safe.
3. I need physical touch at least 15 minutes a day.
   

Some quick examples of what’s not acceptable:

1. No sex on the first date.*
2. No kissing until I’m comfortable.*
3. No fingering without gloves.* ← I didn’t make that up.  

IMPORTANT: Making agreements that you aren’t comfortable with will result in resentment.  You may not agree with your partners needs 100% but there might be a compromise that won’t cause resentment.  

Step 5)  Prepare yourself –  You are almost ready to create your dating profiles and join some facebook groups to put yourself out there.  Just a few more things to consider – we need to set some realistic expectations for this stage of polyamory.

1. One of you will fall in love with someone before the other. It’s going to be hard.
2. You’re going to get judged by the mono-normative types on dating sites.   You’re now some crazy-sex-addicted-cultist-heathen destroying everything they were raised to believe.
3. You’re going to probably have to go to battle with some demons. Particularly the green eyed ones.*
4. A bunch of men will ask you for a threesome.

Step 6) Unravel your codependency – Spend a few weeks/months/years/decades (or whatever it takes) working on untangling from one another.  Realize that there’s a 99% chance that you have some level of codependency happening in your relationship. It’s not your fault – we are raised to think that’s how relationships are supposed to look.  But you need to squash that codependency ASAP. Codependency is one of the hardest things to shift while navigating polyam. Try sleeping in separate rooms a few nights a week, eating meals by yourselves, or making plans with your own friends while not bringing along your partner.  These are all things that will happen when a new partner is introduced, so you might as well start working on those skills now. You’ll each have to get comfortable with the other person being gone in some capacity. 

Step 7) Putting yourself out there – Now that you have some realistic expectations, go ahead and create your dating profiles.  Don’t make a dating profile for you as a couple. It’s weird (you’re welcome ). Remember, you’re two separate people with two separate needs and two separate identities. Always put that you’re polyam in your profile somehow.  You don’t want to have to drop that bombshell after you’ve met someone who may not be expecting it. While labels aren’t for everyone, a lot of the community can appreciate them. You’re giving someone A LOT of information in a very succinct way. For example, I can tell someone a lot about myself by introducing myself as a pansexual–demisexual–cis–atheist–INFP–Hufflepuff.

Step 8) Hold on tight – Prepare for some turbulence.  This is the part where you start making some amazing connections and things are heating up. NRE (new relationship energy) is in full swing and it’s not much different than doing cocaine.  It’s hard to keep a clear head with all those chemicals bouncing around in your brain. Things are going to start getting tumultuous as you navigate all of these new and exciting connections.  You thought you talked about every possible scenario. Well, that’s impossible. Just make sure you’re always talking to everyone involved about what’s going on as it happens.

Step 9) Take a deep breath – You’re finally through the worst of it and now you’re just coasting! Everything is perfect and super easy. You no longer have to worry about hurt feelings or not meeting one another’s needs.  No more arguments, no more jealousy and no more sad feelings… sike! That almost never happens. It does get easier and the good that inviting limitless love into our lives will far outweigh the bad.

As you can see, this is less a guide and more a bunch of warnings about what to expect.  I look around and see monogamous relationships ending (ending, not failing, because ending a relationship does not equate to failure) because of the hardships of opening up a relationship. I believe a lot of these relationships end unnecessarily because people aren’t prepared and have no idea what to expect.  Getting into polyamory can be like walking into a dark room with no shoes on and a bunch of LEGO’s scattered everywhere. I hope reading this gives you even a little bit of light to help you navigate your journey and avoid some of those little Satan engineered plastic blocks.

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*Seriously. Own your shit.

Full Disclaimer: my mono-to-polyam transition didn’t work so I probably don’t even know what I’m talking about.